At least that is what this Rabbi dude believes. He wrote an absolutely horrific sexist article on the negative impact breastfeeding has on marriages.
The entire article can be read here, but here are some specific excerpts from “Moms, Don’t Forget To Feed Your Marriages” that particularly perturbed and offended me.
“…I said, her obsession (of breastfeeding her son at 11 months) had turned one of her most attractive body parts into a feeding station, an attractive cafeteria rather than a scintillating piece of flesh.”
Obsession? How about primal instinct given to her from GOD to feed her child?! Is a cow obsessed? Is a cat obsessed? And scintillating piece of flesh? How about a body part that belongs to a woman. She isn’t your slave. She is a person. And breastfeeding at 11 months is horrific to him. The AAP says to breastfeed until 12 months, WHO says until 2 at LEAST. 11 months is not unnatural or unheard of. What an amazing mom.
“…I make the point that infidelity is primarily a sin of omission rather than commission. It is not the bad thing you do that destroys a marriage, but all the good that you fail to do, preoccupied as you are with a sinful relationship that diverts your attention away from your spouse. “
Breastfeeding makes Christopher jealous sometimes. Jealous that he can’t feed his son, NOT that his son is using my breasts. I am NOT cheating on my husband and our marital sexual relationship by feeding my son, and if you think I am, you are DISGUSTING and should PROBABLY speak to someone about this.
“I am surprised that when scientists discuss all the benefits of breast-feeding, they neglect its most negative consequence. If breast-feeding gets in the way of the marriage……..the child will probably end up worse off, however many colds or bouts with diarrhea he now avoids.”
Diarrhea? Colds? I think you might be referring to Rotavirus and Pertussis which kills hundreds of babies a year. No, breastfeeding may not be THE answer to a lot of these cases, but I bet it is for some. I think you’d rather your wife feed your child the way God intended it than saying a prayer to Him at your baby’s funeral.
“I would take the diarrhea and cough any day over the permanent sense of brokenness that affects children of divorce.”
I think the guilt of the knowledge that you could have possibly saved your child’s life by not being an arrogant selfish chauvinistic pig would break your marriage worse than letting your wife use HER breasts to do what they were predestined to do…
“In the end, there are two effects of breast-feeding that we often refuse to acknowledge. One is the de-eroticization of a woman’s body, as her husband witnesses one of the most attractive parts of her body serving a utilitarian rather than romantic purpose.”
Ummmm… A utilitarian? Last time I checked my breasts were made to produce milk. They have these super cool things called glands that MAKE MILK (how amazing, really) and awesome things called nipples that fit ever so perfectly into a baby’s mouth that have DUCTS in it for milk to come out of. Wow. Dang right it’s utilitarian.
“I believe that wives should cover up, even when they nurse their babies in their husband’s presence.”
No words.
“I believe this same problem comes up when men witness childbirth up close….. That is just too erotic a part of a wife’s anatomy for it to become a mere birth canal.”
Okay, so unfortunately I was not able to have a normal child birth and push Austin out of my MERE BIRTH CANAL. But this still offends me. Do you even have the brain capacity to realize the huge amount of work that a woman goes through for TEN MONTHS to grow a baby and the sheer labor (hence the term LABOR) to bring him into the world? That is NOT MERE. This is BEYOND sexist. Sometimes I can take the whole breast=sex thing with rolled eyes and an ignorance plea, but SERIOUSLY? Not this one. Mere? I wish that this rabbi could for one SECOND feel the absolute sheer pain, stress, emotion, EVERYTHING that goes into birthing a baby. Mere. You have GOT to be kidding me! I’m so annoyed by this statement. I didn’t get to use my MERE birth canal for birthing my baby and yes I am disappointed. I didn’t get to do what a woman is supposed to do. I thank God every day that my son is here safe and sound and that cesareans are possible in this day and age, but yes if I could have chosen the end, I would have used my mere birth canal at 40, 42 weeks. Don’t call it mere. Mere. What if I called your penis MERE? Because all it’s there for is to get pleasure, right? You aren’t supposed to use it to rid your body of toxins. No, that’s so mere. You get yours, but the female race will just sit back and be your mere play thing. (I never realized what a feminist I am…)
“I agree that breast-feeding is usually the best thing for a baby. But the principal form of marital breakdown in our time is a loss of erotic desire between husband and wife, and if couples find that breast-feeding is adding to a sense of alienation, there is always the bottle.”
Usually? No, it IS the best. And no you don’t agree that breastfeeding is best for baby. Because if you did, you would be behind it 100%. I understand that marriage should be the first concern and children second. I get that. I don’t always follow it, but you know what? My baby is an innocent little being that can not fend for himself. In a couple of years, I’m all yours hubby. But until my child can make himself a bowl of cereal or a PB&J, I’m all he has. And I will feed him and I will put his needs at the top of my list. You’re a big boy Rabbi. You can stop being selfish for a total of 2 years for your children. You say that a healthy marriage is the most important thing for your children? I totally agree. But you know what else is important? Learning to not be judgmental, to not be selfish, to SHARE. I bet you teach your children to share their toys don’t you? Then share the boobs dude. The boobs that don’t even belong to you.
Someone on Twitter suggested we send positive feedback to the rabbi. I didn’t sent him the above rant, but I did let him know how I felt.
I am sorry you have such a poor outlook on breastfeeding and marriage. My husband respects me MORE as woman for the way that I am nurturing our FAMILY by feeding my son the way that GOD intended. He knows that this is a short short time and my son will only need my breasts for a year, possibly two. He will have me the rest of our lives. Breastfeeding is represented MANY times in the Bible (old testament…) and is a wonderful pure act. It saddens me that there are men (and women) in this world that are hung up on breasts being sexual only. If a marriage fails due to breastfeeding, there are obviously underlying issues that occurred before the baby was even born and somehow have been manifested in breastfeeding and blame given to the woman doing what her body is predestined to do. I know you said you’d rather have diarrhea than be divorced, but would you rather your children die than have an unhealthy marriage? Marriages can be rebuilt, but a baby can not be resurrected. I assume you are referring to Rotavirus which kills many babies a year and could be prevented a hundred times over by exclusively breastfeeding. I would imagine the pain and guilt of my child dying from a disease that I may have been able to prevent would cause a much heavier burden on my marriage than letting my baby borrow my breasts a few times a day for two years. I pray that one day no one is so judgmental about the natural and nonsexual way women are feeding their children.
I have never been such a feminist before, but he disgusts me with this! Women are not mens’ little sexual play things, and that is what he is “preaching” in this article. He acts like he is in such a higher class than women and children. Like we should bow to him and do what he wants us to do. My husband was even disgusted by this guy. Why is he so selfish and sexist? Is he that sex obsessed? I honestly can not wrap my head around this man’s thinking.
I am so upset and disappointed in people sometimes it just has made me angry. I am sorry if this post was too ranty for you, but thankfully I have an outlet for my feelings and a place to shout to women that breastfeeding is NOT BAD! I wish people would realize that it is perfect and wonderful and to stop being so RUDE. It also hurts my feelings because when people make negative comments about breastfeeding I feel like they are making direct negative comments to me and about my baby. And do NOT mess with me, and especially my baby!
*I am in no way shape of form judging families who formula feed. I know there are situations where this is necessary, and situations when women are BOOBY TRAPPED into believing it’s wrong or too hard and don’t have the necessary outlets for help or information. This article is exactly why so many woman don’t breastfeed and it needs to be stopped.
Please Read Part Two HERE (Where the Rabbi “apologizes”)
& Part Three HERE (where I’m not so angry & summarize my feelings)
{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }
Okay I see what you mean by the definition "mere". I didn't "get" it that way. But even so, isn't that just the man's hang up? It would hurt my feelings personally if my husband wouldn't look. it hurt my feelings when my husband said he wouldn't. But it was because it would be bloody, not because it's the spot for pleasure, kwim?
And I don't mean that a woman should neglect her husband 100% of the time. I mean they don't have sex as much. My husband goes to bed at like 7 and I'm usually still up with the baby. Because now I have a baby. So should I get a babysitter from 7-9pm or just leave him in the bed to cry and roll off because I'm neglecting my husband? Also, with the sex. If this rabbi feels so strongly may be he feels as strongly about sex before marriage. It's wrong, right? So what did you do instead? Watched movies, kissed, played games, etc. If a mom is just too physically overstimulated from feeding her baby and they can't play monopoly instead of having sex one night than that is a bigger problem than addressed here.
;)
Sing it, sista!! He is so out of line.
You know, I've read article and responses on this and the responses bother me more than the article. I think everyone is getting angry over their perception of how the Rabbi views women and not what he is saying. He's not saying that breastfeeding is the problem, but the OBSESSION with breastfeeding, and in my wife's case it is an obsession. Adultery and infidelity are not the same thing. Katie says to her it is the same, but if I say "to me sex and love are the same thing you would think me daft. Just because you see them as the same doesn't mean they are. Infidelity is defined in part as "unfaithfulness to a moral obligation" (Merriam Webster) and couples are morally obligated to care for each other. He is saying that if bf'ing is and obsession, and the wife is devoting everything to it and ignoring her husband, than that is the sin, that she is allowing this basic function (which great and necessary) to get between her and her spouse. It would be the same if a husband became so obsessed with something, let's say work, that he spent all of his time doing that and ignored his wife. The work is necessary, but allowing it to drive a wedge between his him and his wife is folly. So how would any of the women reading this feel if their husband spent all day at work, then came home and he showed her no affection, no love, and when they did talk all he could talk about was work. Oh he may say "I love you" but doesn't show it through actions. Then it's bedtime and he brings his paperwork to bed every night. That is what is happening to my marriage right now. My wife spends all of her time either bf'ing or reading about/responding to it. She has no time or desire to show affection to me let alone for us to be intimate. It's not breastfeeding that is hurting our marriage, just like work doesn't hurt marriage, but the obsession with it does. There is a lot of anger over the rabbis views on "the woman's body", which the bible does say that the woman's body belongs to her husband (also says the mans body belongs to his wife, so this is not a male chauvinistic view). I hate to say it ladies, but men LOVE breasts; it doesn't matter if they are designed to give milk or not. Many parts of our bodies are designed to be multi-purpose, including male parts. I feel that some of your are being overly sensitive that he may be "downgrading" your bodies. Take a breath and calm yourselves, he is stating that despite the fact that your body is designed for child birth, your husband may, I said MAY) feel differently about you after seeing certain things. Should he? No he shouldn't, but neither should women get so angry over the adjective "mere". Many of you will be angry over my views, and I really don't care. After several years of my wife BF'ing, I've found that lactation activists are so overly sensitive about it reaching the levels of ridiculousness. Accept that not everyone sees things the same as you and to denigrate them over their opinions is beneath all of you.
Thank you. I'm not angry over your views. You made some really great points. And if the Rabbi had worded it as well as you did then I wouldn't be as angry, probably not at all. Thank you for your comment.
I’m thinking if breastfeeding ruins your marriage, then perhaps your marriage wasn’t too strong in the first place?
Good Golly Miss Holly! recently posted..The Bottom Of The Washing Basket
I’m a 23 year-old, college educated male, only child and I’ve never breast fed. I’m, 6’2″ with an IQ between 132 and 138, and I’m fairly well built at 187 pounds.
1. Straight while males like myself don’t have any interest in breast-feeding or birthing a child. Husbands aren’t jealous of their wives abilities. A male’s testosterone gives them male personality traits that favors a dominant role in marriage rather than passive skill set. That’s a ridiculous thing to say, and sort of crazy.
2. Breast-feeding does ruin a woman’s body. Not only does it make a woman’s breasts ugly, but it removes the sexuality from them completely. No guy wants to think of giant, saggy, tubular breasts covered in their children’s slobber and germs. Unappealing on a number of levels, and even downright incestuous (when breastfeeding a two year old and gaining some sort of obsessive pleasure).
3. You sound extremely aggressive and militant in your responses, which is ridiculous and immature. You may not want to face the fact that sexual attraction is an important and healthy part of life and marriage, but it is a fact. You’re not doing womankind any favors by letting your body turn into an androgenous gob of fat and hair, and guilting your husband in to saying “I’m still attracted to you.” Just because you’ve had children doesn’t mean it’s time for you to dump your husband/life, to start wearing sweatsuits and to marry your kids.
4. Breast-feed if you want. However, it’s definitely a little bit demented to use your child as a sex toy (or weight-loss device) until he’s two years old. I can understand some insistence on a more “natural” (albeit less effective) way of sustaining a newborn, but feeding a child your breast milk until two years old is sick and creepy; No other way to cut it.
5. For all of those ingrates that believe breast-feeding is some how more beneficial (healthwise) to your child despite actual scientific evidence, consider this: your breast milk CAN match milk formula if you don’t take any drugs (including prescription), get ideal ratios of vitamins and minerals consistently, aren’t obese, have ideal hormonal levels, are extremely hygienic, don’t smoke/drink, consume a highly regulated diet. Otherwise, formula is a perfect substitute and nothing to be ashamed of.
This subject shouldn’t be so touchy. I’m not Jewish, but I’m on the Rabbi’s side. He means well and just wants to see marriages last and for everyone to be happy. Guys put a little bit more weight in to looks when selecting a partner than women do, but the difference isn’t drastic. Outside of morons, no guy expects a new mother’s body to remain in its pre birth form, but no guy wants to throw sex and passion out the window either. We need to have sexual release on a regular basis throughout or lifetimes, and that’s a simple fact. As a guy, I don’t put too much weight in looks (my own or those of others’) but I do recognize that they matter. Taking care of yourself and letting your spouse/significant other know that you want them to be attracted to you is an important trait of a successful relationship.
wow that dude is crazy, its nuts how uninformed people are Which is probably why breastfeeding ruins relationships and marriage.
Maybe men should start caring more about the wellbeing of their kids then their sex lives. I know it would have fixed my relationship
I’m sure if I didn’t breastfeed me and my ex would still be together, but my daughter would also be a lot less healthy!
Men need to learn how to put their kids above EVERYTHING, even sex for a little while if their wife doesn’t feel comfortable with it.
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Twitter: mommyboots
January 9, 2011 at 8:52 am
“I’m a 23 year-old, college educated male”.
You can just stop right there. Your opening statement made everything you said after that irrelevant. The fact that you are college education means nothing. Simply; you don’t have a clue what you’re talking about. You’re an ignorant child. You will never understand what it’s like to be a mother, and from your comment I pity the woman that you end up with and any child that ends up with you as a father. You can crawl back under your bridge now.
Mommy Boots recently posted..Birthday Facts
Educated in what? Obviously not the biology and history of breastfeeding. Your chauvinist opinion is yours, but before you start throwing”facts” out there make sure they’re correct.
Katie recently posted..Bloggers For Babies!
Ok, to think a woman gets sexual pleasure from breastfeeding is obsurb. You try having your nippled tugged and gnawed and sometimes even bitten very HARD.
And to have the imagery of a woman’s breast being saggy, tubular and covered in spit from the kid shows exactly how hung up on looks you actually are. (I have never had my breast covered in spit after breastfeeding, and, while my breasts are saggier than they once were, I do not think of them as tubular.
And, no, formula feeding is not something to be ashamed of. My SIL could not produce milk, there is not a thing to be ashamed of there. I know women who simply are not interested, and that is fine, too. That is the great thing about our society, women have the right to make choices about their bodies – and no one should give them a guilty trip about whether or not they breastfeed. I actually had someone once give me a hard time about not formula feeding, because I was being selfish and not letting other people feed the baby.
But to think a woman’s body is simply there for her husband’s pleasure and nothing else is a caveman view of the world of marriage. If breastfeeding and cosleeping are supposed to ruin marriages, how do you explain all the marriages who survive multiple child raised this way (mine has, plus with the kids sleeping in our bed with us until elementary school aged)? If you have a solid, healthy foundation for your marriage, it will survive the hardship of childbirth, breastfeeding, cosleeping and attachment parenting – along with the financial strain additional children bring. Otherwise, everyone in the world would end up divorced – it would be the way it always had been, not just the high percentages in the last forty years or so.
As far as sex goes, yes, there will be less sex when your baby is born. But does it completely dry up? No. You have to be creative and not mind having quickies most of the time. If this bothers you, then you should not have children. (Yes, I went there!)
Oh, and PS, if breastfeeding causes a husband to cheat on his wife, he is using the breastfeeding as an excuse to soothe his guilt and transfer blame to his wife instead of manning up and accepting responsibility for his infidelity. One of the biggest problems with our society today, in my opinion, is the lack of people taking responsibility for their actions.
Oh, and sorry for the rant. Didn’t mean to hijack.
Twitter: deborahruth
January 9, 2011 at 12:53 pm
As a mom who is currently breastfeeding her almost 7 month old baby I have to say Ryan you are a complete retard.
As I sit here and write this my husband is changing my daughters diaper, why because he loves her and takes care of her along side of me.
I use my God given breasts milk making abilities to help raise my daughter and I will say my husband is fine with that. He still gets his time with me and my body and he still thinks I am just as sexy as I was before I pushed an almost 9lb baby out of my vagina (oh and he watched that baby come out of that vagina and he still likes using it.)
I sure hope someday if you every are lucky enough to find yourself a wife you will still find her sexy even if her boobs are not quiet as perky after she has given your child their food.
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Twitter: babydickey
January 9, 2011 at 1:45 pm
Wow. First off, I agree (to some extent) that looks and keeping up romance/sex in a relationship are important. No one said they aren’t. But breastfeeding doesn’t ruin that. I weigh LESS and look BETTER now than I did before getting pregnant (my breastfed son is one).
And ooohhh, boo hoo, men don’t want to view breasts as anything but sexual. Isn’t that too bad, seeing as how breasts are FOR FEEDING. They are not solely for the pleasure of men. What about very small breasted women? What about women that have had a mastectomy? I am fairly certain they’re still able to marry and love and have men respect them (but surely not a man as egotistical and small-minded as you).
And speaking from the experience of just last night, I can tell you that my husband still enjoys my breasts very much and I don’t think he was thinking about how I feed our child with them at that moment.
But even if he was…. he supports me 100% and loves that I’m breastfeeding our son because it’s the best thing for him.
I teach at the college level and I teach my students about breastfeeding and the importance of it and I do so for this reason exactly–to rid society of ignorance.
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Oh, the sadness of small minds.
Seriously – if you think sex issues are the #1 reason marriages break up, then you need to examine what values you’re basing marital success on.
And to the “attractive” “college-educated” previous poster: maybe you are easy on the eyes, but your logic makes you extremely unappealing once you open your mouth.
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“3. You sound extremely aggressive and militant in your responses, which is ridiculous and immature. You may not want to face the fact that sexual attraction is an important and healthy part of life and marriage, but it is a fact. You’re not doing womankind any favors by letting your body turn into an androgenous gob of fat and hair, and guilting your husband in to saying “I’m still attracted to you.” Just because you’ve had children doesn’t mean it’s time for you to dump your husband/life, to start wearing sweatsuits and to marry your kids.” Actually Ryan, you sound aggressive and angry. who said anything about turning a body into an adrogenous gob of fat and hair? where did that come in from breastfeeding a baby. And, if nature did not want women to breastfeed, we wouldn’t be able to do so – it is called evolution. You sound like a pig and I would highly recommend never allowing a woman you want to date to read this posting.
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