Satan Won Today

by Katie on April 20, 2014 · 3 comments

in God Rocks,Mommyhood,Pickles

Warning: This post is super deep & even longer. You’re welcome.

I’m a Christian. I say it proudly. I am still a member of the church in which I grew up. I absolutely ADORE my preacher & everything he says.

But I was going through the motions. I went to church. I enjoyed it. I pinned all kinds of amazing verses that made my heart happy. I went to small group & discussed & listened to their prayers. I wholeheartedly believe I saw and angel and he took care of me through a storm and I will never waver from my belief in God and His works. But a lot of the times, I just took the parts that meant a lot to me. I continued to live my days the same as any other, and not in the way that would be satisfying to the Lord.

My ex-husband and I started back to church after a very long hiatus when I got pregnant with Austin. I hadn’t really been much since high school & since we had gotten our current preacher. I wanted Austin to grow up in church. I wanted this lifestyle for us, A LOT. I’ve been going since then, much much more than not. I joined a small group in our church created for parents of small children, and every meeting filled me with joy.

But I still wasn’t taking the journey I knew I was supposed to be. After Austin’s dad and I separated I began dating. I met someone, and I was smitten. He was a Christian, and we had this chemistry I can not begin to explain. For two and half years we had the most roller-coaster relationship that I can’t even begin to describe. We were passionate, about the good stuff & the bad stuff. It was always a very high high, or a debilitating low for me. I wanted to be with him forever, and for a small stretch of time there at the end, it was looking like I was going to have all of my hopes and dreams come true.

But on my 29th birthday through a text message, all of the hopes and dreams were crushed, my heart was broken into a million pieces.

I couldn’t not cry every day for at least 2 months. My heart hardened and turned completely black- I honestly felt like I was dead inside. I knew God was there- but I was ashamed to speak to Him. I knew everything I had been doing for the past 2 years were not in His glory. I felt like I deserved every tear, heart drop to my stomach, and lonely dark night. I swore I would never ever love again.

I didn’t blame my ex- well. maybe at first… But I know he is damaged- much like I am now. I understand now where all of his insecurities about relationships etc come from. I GET IT. Ironically, he was the one who hurt me so deeply that I now GOT where he was coming from. There we were- two damaged, broken hearted, unlovable individuals.

After a couple months it wasn’t such a struggle to climb out of bed anymore. I still had moments of sadness- and every one thought I was or at least should be over it. But caring so deeply for someone that was hurting in the same ways I was was so unsettling. How could I just walk away? I would never walk away from someone bleeding on the side of the road, and this is 1000% how I felt about him and what was between us. He was my best friend. I know things about him no one else knows, and vice versa. We shared some of our deepest secrets on our very first date- how in the WORLD could I just walk away from the person who knew me better than anyone, who made me feel better than anyone could? It was a true struggle, and after a month or two of being so angry with him I could barely function, we started texting again a little- updating each other about our lives, our kids, and sometimes, what had happened between us.

On the other side of my personal struggles was my relationship with Austin. It was deteriorating, and all I could do was watch it. My patience was worn extremely thin. I was exhausted. Work was stressful, worrying wore me out, and this strong-willed personality pushed my buttons like no one else. He is just like me. And he was mirroring every thing I was doing. Days were filled with yelling matches, tantrums, and tears- from us both. I didn’t know what to do. I was losing all hope, I was a terrible mother, and I was ruining my child. I knew if we kept going down this path, we wouldn’t have any type of relationship. Behind my closed doors I was living my own personal hell and no one else knew about it.

Somehow I stumbled across this blog, Mom Of Boys Society. I don’t know how I found it. I suppose writing this, I can say it was God. Even though I wasn’t actively begging for His help, like I KNEW I COULD AND KNEW I SHOULD- I didn’t think I deserved any help from anyone, He loves me and He knew I was crumbling, as well as my entire life around me.

The website changed my life. I don’t know how else to put it. IT CHANGED MY LIFE. One single quote- “God chose you to be your son’s mother.” All of a sudden, peace washed over me. I don’t remember exactly changing any one thing specifically, but Austin and my relationship went from crushed into the rocks to no screaming, more laughing, and minimal fits- from both one of us. I apologized & he forgave me.

After this I was so THIRSTY for the love of God and passively I decided I couldn’t keep punishing myself. I subscribed to many of these MOB blogs, bought all of their ebooks, started praying, bought a new Bible. My Bible is beautiful. BIG study Bible that my mom got me when I was younger. But it was so huge it intimidated me. I couldn’t bring myself to try to read God’s word through all of the footnotes & studies. Is it an amazing Bible? Absolutely. Am I thankful to have it? 100% yes. I am sure one day I will use it with no hesitation. But at this moment I was so hungry for His word, I wanted something simple and in words I could understand. Confession- I have never read the whole Bible. I want to. I’ve told myself countless times that I will. But I haven’t. I can’t quote it, I can’t spit out scripture after scripture. With this new- smaller- Bible I could carry it with me every where I wanted to. I could hold it like a book and drown myself in His word. I started reading. I wrote down verses and studies from MOB. My new Bible is a “single woman” bible. I had accepted the fact that I was single- I most likely will be forEVER. I didn’t want anyone but my exbf, and I would learn to love singledom as he did, and convinced myself that maybe our paths would cross again in 15 years (mainly when he wisened up!) and our broken hearts would mend together again. The Bible has a few devotionals about being happy with the single lifestyle- whether it’s a choice or not- and spotlights of all the single women in the Bible. I am in love with it.

Like I said before, I started talking to my ex again. Just a little here and there. Turned into dinner every weekend our kids were with their other parents. We texted- never talked on the phone- just were friends. But I was traveling down that road again, slowly at first, then flying down a curvy mountain road with no breaks- which just screams an accident waiting to happen. Just counting on him for my happiness, looking forward to 2 weeks when I could spend time with him… even if I knew for a fact nothing would come out of it.

Exactly 3 months after the Birthday Breakup, I was counting on him. I was making grand plans for the two of us. Dinner, watching TV, whatever. I looked forward to it all week. But apparently some lines of communications were crossed and he did not have the same plans. Once again, I was alone, disheartened, and realized- I had let myself get wrapped up in him. AGAIN. Even if our current “relationship” was harmless on the outside, to my heart it was as harmful as ever. I made a decision that night that I would never ever cry about him again. I told him to leave me alone, and I didn’t talk to him for a week. He apologized many times times, held me in a parking lot a week later, and teared up about possibly losing our friendship.

In the meantime- my love for my faith was growing. Austin became SUPER interested in his Bible, Jesus, God, praying, the list goes on. I wholeheartedly believed this was all through the Lord, strengthening my love for Him and I adored sharing the word of God with Austin. We were a team now, for God and against the world.

This past week my ex had been increasingly quiet. Maybe because I had told him to leave me alone, but when did that ever stop him..? It was a bit unsettling, but I knew it was time for me to move on. I told my friends I was 90% over him, finally. Driving through a storm one night, I had this HUGE revelation. I was just seeking LOVE. I LOVE LOVE. Valentine’s is my favorite holiday, even in this twisted mess of my “love life”, I still cherished it and loved it. I wanted love SO BADLY. And it was RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF ME. God wants me to love Him much like the way I just wanted my ex to love me. He was yearning for my time, my words of affirmation, my courage to take that huge leap, all the things I wanted and I was making myself physically sick over in my relationship with my ex. In my relationship with the Lord I was being the- damaged, hard to get, impossibly imperfect, not willing to try- partner. And imagining how that made me feel to receive that attitude, how could it feel to God? After ALL that He has done for me?! I was breaking His heart ten-fold. And I knew in that moment my life was changed. The past 2 years the devil was working to take me, and I would no longer teeter on that line.

Then this glorious Easter morning. Austin had celebration balloons for Jesus’ resurrection (a few weeks ago in Sunday School they learned the story of Easter & how they ‘celebrated’ Jesus’ resurrection. He said “I don’t think we celebrated.. there weren’t any balloons. From that day I decided balloons would be an Easter MUST HAVE.). He received a new bible and a one-a-day devotional for preschoolers in his Easter basket. He was so happy that Jesus was alive again, yelling HAPPY EASTER! We went to church in our Sunday best.

And then the world shook under me again. Earth-shattering news washed over me. I found out just why my ex had been so quiet this past week. Just when I was so confidently 90% over him, I went back to zero. Here comes the bus, flattening me to the ground, crushing everything I had in me. I didn’t hear a word of the Easter morning sermon. I fought back tears for that hour, and as soon as the service was over, I rushed out, got Austin, and fled. He missed Sunday school, I had car seats to give to a fellow church member who really needed them, but I just ran. Austin’s dad came to get Austin for their Easter and I cried. I cried, I fought with my ex, and I stayed in my bed under the covers for hours. My heart felt as shattered as it was 4 months ago. I didn’t see any light in front of me. I didn’t have any hope. I had nothing at all, I was an empty case of what was supposed to be a human being. HOW could this keep happening?!

After lying in bed for 4 hours, it dawned on me. The devil had done this, it had nothing to do with my ex- he was not to blame, and I feel ashamed of the way I acted towards him. I was growing closer and closer to God, and Satan was trying to pull me away. These ugly things that were coming out of my mouth and flowing freely through my thoughts were not my own. I was NOT going to let Satan win. I had made the decision to never let my ex control my life or my emotions again, but here I was- Letting the devil himself do it. I peeled myself out of bed, grabbed my bible, and read and read. I searched for verses to stitch together my heart and keep the devil out. I cried a little more, and prayed and prayed and begged God to help me. I turned on praise music and am still listening. Trying to put up all shields against evil and fill every sense with the Lord.

The devil won this morning. I let him take away a beautiful Easter morning from me. I let him steal away hours with my joyful little boy. I let him suck me into a painfully dark afternoon. But this evening I will guard my heart with the Lord. He has something planned SO SO BIG FOR ME, if the devil is fighting this hard for me. What possibly could be in store for me for evil to want to take over me SO BADLY? I know it may be a day or maybe a decade until I find out. But I will be faithful. I know that I have to immerse myself daily in His word and pray my little heart out. I’m so vulnerable and so easily taken down, but it’ll get better and easier to fight away my demons.

Are you struggling with a broken heart?

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted & saves those who are crushed in spirit. -Psalms 34:18

He heals the brokenhearted & binds up their wounds. -Psalms 147:3

Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.- Proverbs 4:23

Trust in the Lord with all your heart & lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, & He will make your paths straight. -Proverbs 3:5-6

“Come to me, all you who are weary & burdened, & I will give you rest.”- Matthew 11:28

The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can mere mortals do to me?- Hebrews 13:6

He will wipe every tear from their eyes… – Revelation 21:7

Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.- Isaiah 43:18

God has something stored up for you in heaven, where it will never decay or be ruined or disappear.- 1 Peter 1:4

“I have told you this so that you might have peace in your hearts because of me. While you are in the world, you will have to suffer. But cheer up! I have defeated the world.” – John 16:33

{ 3 comments }

Coconut Oil – My New BFF

by Katie on April 14, 2014 · 4 comments

in Randoms

People have been buzzing about Coconut Oil for a couple years ’round the cloth diapering/natural parenting parts. I never really though much of it, would have been cool when Austin was a tiny baby for the diaper area, but whatevs.


Magical Coconut Oil

Part One: “Oil Pulling”

Then I saw that blog post about oil pulling. I know EVERYONE knows what I’m talking about. & if you don’t, you live under a rock, and I will tell you under your rock with you what oiling pulling is- you don’t even have to get up. Oil Pulling is when you swish coconut oil in your mouth. Yep. That’s it. You have to do it for 20 minutes, and apparently little fairies live in the oil and cure alllll of you ailments. Okay, I’m kidding about the fairies, but these blog posts singing the praises of coconut swishing claim the other part- about fixing everything, cleansing your body of toxins, and what not. Okay so personally I don’t believe all of that. At all. But the “whiter teeth!” thing really made my ears perk up. My teeth are super sensitive. All the OTC and prescription and cheap-hydrogen-peroxide make me want to cry for days on end. So I thought- this might not hurt, right? But I wasn’t sure I could swish for 20 minutes. I could never do it for ONE with mouth wash. But I figured I’d give it a try.

Y’all. My teeth got whiter. After like 3 times. Seriously. I don’t do it anymore much, I guess I should keep it up. But they really did whiten. Skeptics say the oil just took off some plaque from my teeth, which okay whatever, maybe they did. But my toothbrush wasn’t doing that, everything else make me cringe with pain, so I’LL TAKE IT! Coconut Oil Pulling for the win! (and the 20 minutes went by SO fast. My trick? Don’t put a TON in your mouth. & do some dishes and laundry. The 20 minutes will be over before you even realize.)


Part 2: Coconut Oil Hair Treatment

I guess since there was this sudden uproar about coconut oil, I kept seeing pins pop up in my Pinterest feed. And this one in particular about Coconut Oil treatments in your hair had me very intrigued. I mean, everyone says you can use Coconut Oil for ANYTHING, right? I bet it would work nicely in my hair. I used to use Moroccan Argon oil & I loved it.

So I followed the instructions by this blogger, and I had a night and day difference by next morning. I have been doing the coconut oil treatments on my hair every time or every other time I wash, and it has changed my life. I have super thick nappy hair because it’s so damaged, and this stuff has tamed the wild beast that is my hair! It keeps my color longer (*cough* YEAHHHH this is my natural color *cough*) and my ends don’t feel as damaged. my hair feels INSANELY soft (I can skip conditioner every other time I was!) and all of a sudden my stick-straight hair has a little wave! I’ve been curling it a little and I look amazing, if i say so myself ;)


The two types of Coconut Oil I have used!

coconutoilcoconutoil2

The blog post I linked says to use extra virgin coconut oil, but for some reason I felt like I had better results with the refined coconut oil. It was easier to shampoo out and my hair was less frizzy. Not sure why- don’t even understand the difference between the two- but that’s just my two cents. I also don’t blow dry – I just leave it in, for a reallyyyy long time ;)


Before {well, during…} & After!

photo (2)photo (1)

I NEED to know what else this coconut oil magic potion can do! What do YOU use coconut oil for?!

{ 4 comments }

Weekends Without Austin

by Katie on April 13, 2014 · 0 comments

in Mommyhood,Randoms

This weekend Austin is with his dad (actually- until Tuesday because of spring break).

I know a lot of moms get super jealous of me because I get a “break”, and I totally get it. For the first 18ish hours it is PRETTY HEAVENLY. Not having to speak at all, not answering questions like “why did God name Cows ‘cow’?”, and watching what I want on TV (which is usually Tangled. Just a glimpse into my life). I get to do REALLY exciting things, like play with my Erin Condren planner and clean the litter box.


Everyone is all "date night!" and I'm all "playing with my new little genie!"
Everyone is all “date night!” and I’m all “playing with my new little genie!”


But by the time then evening rolls around on the second day, I parched for some little boy attention and snuggles. I MISS HIM, especially at night! Though I get large concentrated breaks every other weekend, I am sole responsibility every other day. Making dinner, doing (a tiny bit of) homework, all of the dishes, and basically anything else you can think of that maybe your partner helps with PLUS entertaining a little one, who DESERVES a lot of time and attention and stimulation. Even when you’re putting in a load in the washer or dish washer. When you’re out at dinner, you can at least count on tag-teaming the kid or more, not worrying about leaving your food at the table & it getting cleaned off while the little one has to take a potty break, or worry about your purse being stolen if you leave it there to claim your spot. If you need a break to lock yourself in the bedroom for 5 minutes while hubby feeds the kids, think of me ;) No I don’t particularly think I as a single mom has it worse, or moms with spouses/partners/whatevers have it worse, I think we just both have our own struggles!

Thankfully this weekend I was able to spend a lot of time with him on Saturday. He is playing TBall now so even on weekends he is with Dad, I will see him Saturday morning!


My favorite Yankee!
My favorite Yankee!


His dad also let me SURPRISE Austin this weekend by taking him to the aquarium to see the Weeki Wachee Mermaids. Back story- if you follow me on Instagram or Facebook, you know that I’m a little bit in love with unicorns and mermaids (I’m almost 30?! I should grow up? What? I can’t hear you) & an onslaught of patients at work lately have been telling me I look like Ariel from the Little Mermaid. Well, one told me I looked like that redhead girl from Southern Charm, but we won’t go there. I’m kind of in love with the whole Mermaid mentalilty- no pantsfree clam brasluring men to their deaths… you get my drift (haha drift, get it?!). So when 12 people texted or Facebooked me about the event at our aquarium, I was super excited to take Austin. My mom was like beyond jealous because apparently she has been wanting to see these mermaids for like 56 years, and she is out of town this weekend.

Well it kind of sucked. *I* was not personally impressed, and Austin sure as heck was bored out of his mind. All of the little girls looked like they were in HEAVEN, so that was pretty great I suppose. This one little girl (younger than Austin) kept asking her mom “are those real mermaids?!?!” over & over. So I suppose if you have a toddler daughter, it might have been worth our insanely overpriced aquarium fees to see them (-our aquarium is about $10 a ticket too much for what they only have to offer. I can’t stand going there). And I bet when you go to the actual Weeki Wachee, the shows are better. My mom said “this was just to wet your appetite to go the Weeki Wachee!” She’s so punny.

But I did pay (even more money!) for us to go to the Sea Turtle Hospital. Our aquarium has a really pretty nifty hospital for these endangered animals, and it was really an awesome experience. They “only” had 5 turtles in at the time (most was 22!) and they were SO NEAT to see up close & learning really cool things about their species. One of them kept sticking his head out of the water and blowing water on everyone!

photo 5photo 4
Oh hey.

Then I took Austin back to his dad’s and went Easter shopping and ate a meal at a restaurant by myself, and pretty much didn’t use my vocal cords at all, except to sing the Rapunzel Flynn song from Tangled. Twice.

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